Why Rest Feels Impossible (and What to Do About It)
Exploring Grind Culture, Survival Brain, and the Radical Act of Doing Nothing
Six months ago, I left my full-time job to work for myself. On paper, this is the dream: flexibility, purpose, creative control. And honestly, it is the dream. But it’s also been a crash course in self-management, deep fear, and realizing how much of my energy was still being dictated by a system I thought I had left.
In episode 13 of Hard at Work, I shared how tough it’s been for me to rest—really rest—without guilt. I talked about what I’ve been learning in my own burnout recovery and why rest often feels wrong in a culture built on overwork. If you’ve ever reached the weekend only to spend it cleaning, doing laundry, meal prepping, squeezing in social obligations, or catching up on work emails—you’re not alone. That was me, too. And it left me crawling into Monday mornings feeling depleted and resentful.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand: if rest feels impossible, it’s not because you’re lazy. It’s because everything around you has trained you not to rest.
Grind Culture Runs Deep—And It’s Not Just About Work Ethic
There’s this constant message in our culture that rest has to be earned. That you can rest only once everything on the list is done—except, of course, the list never ends. Even when we do choose to rest, we often numb ourselves with phone scrolling, streaming, or multitasking, never really allowing our bodies or minds to reset. And a lot of this isn’t by accident.
As Tricia Hersey, author of Rest is Resistance and founder of The Nap Ministry, teaches: grind culture is rooted in capitalism and white supremacy. It has long devalued the rest of Black people and other marginalized communities. Hersey’s work helped me realize that the pressure to always be doing is not just a personal struggle—it's systemic, and knowing more about how productivity is rooted in white supremacy was something I needed to learn about. If you haven’t explored her writing or her Rest Deck, I can’t recommend it enough. It’s beautiful, practical, and a powerful reframing of what rest can mean.
Rest Is Uncomfortable Because Stillness Makes Us Feel
For many of us, rest is hard not just because of the to-do list, but because of what comes up when we finally slow down. I noticed this the first time I had a quiet house after leaving my job. I sat down, intending to rest, and immediately got up to reorganize a closet. Not because the closet needed it—but because being still made me feel anxious. That quiet made room for emotions I’d been pushing aside.
It turns out a lot of us are afraid of what we might feel when we stop moving. In survival mode, our brains are trained to keep us busy and distracted. Stillness can trigger discomfort—and even panic—because it opens the door to grief, anger, confusion, and the truth we haven’t wanted to hear.
A Tool to Shift Out of Survival Mode
One of the best tools I’ve found lately is from Britt Frank’s new book, Align Your Mind. (Her first book, The Science of Stuck, is also phenomenal.) In it, she introduces a technique called DEFUSE, a way to gently shift out of survival brain and into a more mindful, regulated state.
Here’s how it works:
D – Describe your physical sensations (no judgment, just notice)
E – Exit the room (a physical shift can signal safety to the brain)
F – Feel your body (touch, tap, or press into the body to reconnect)
U – Use your senses (ground in the present with the 5-4-3-2-1 technique)
S – Shift your position (stretch, shake, move energy around)
E – Exhale (longer exhales calm the nervous system—if it works for you)
Even something as simple as tapping your legs, describing what you see, or changing your posture can signal to your body that it’s safe enough to rest.
Quiet Is Where Your Brain Repairs Itself
We often think that doing nothing is a waste of time. But science says otherwise. According to Calm.com, two minutes of silence can be more relaxing for your body than calming music. Rest can literally rewire your brain—helping with memory, emotional regulation, and problem-solving.
So no, you’re not broken because you’re bad at resting. You’ve been trained to ignore what your body is asking for. And I’m learning how to resist that, too.
You’re Not Lazy—You’re Living in a System That Doesn’t Want You to Rest
If you’re feeling guilty for wanting a nap, for needing downtime, for saying no to the hustle—please know you are not alone. It’s not a personal flaw. It’s a systemic setup. And while we can’t dismantle it alone, we can begin to push back in small ways.
Start by noticing. Pay attention to what makes you feel grounded and what makes you feel hollow. Practice using DEFUSE or the Rest Deck to reconnect. Let quiet be uncomfortable without rushing to fill it.
And remember this: you are allowed to rest even if nothing is finished. Especially if nothing is finished.
If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your story. Email me at ellen@ewbcoaching.com, or reach out on LinkedIn or Instagram.
Listen to Episode 13 of the Hard at Work podcast here
And if you’ve got your own burning question about work, you can submit it anonymously at this link. I might answer it in a future episode.
Until next time, keep up the good work—and take the nap.
