That Sounds Like a You Problem
Why Women Keep Saying Yes at Work—And How to Stop
Let’s say your boss pulls you aside.
You're doing great, they say. You're on the list for promotion. You're a rising star. There's just one thing: They want you to take on more responsibility—now. Before the title. Before the raise. Before anything is official.
Sound familiar?
You’re not alone. Especially in nonprofits, higher ed, and public sector workplaces, this is a classic move. Flattery, followed by unpaid labor, wrapped in the language of “leadership development.”
But here’s what’s really happening: You’re being asked to do more for free.
The Flattery Trap
Flattery feels good. “You’re exactly what we need.” “You’ve got the leadership potential we’re looking for.”
But if you’re doing more work, taking on more risk, and burning more energy—with no title, no timeline, and no pay increase—that’s not development. It’s exploitation with a side of praise.
You’re not on the promotion list. You’re on the “will do extra for free” list.
People Pleasing Isn’t a Weakness—It’s a Survival Skill
People pleasing doesn’t mean you’re weak or naive. It’s a learned survival strategy—especially for women, BIPOC professionals, and folks who avoid conflict. It also can be a symptom of white supremacy culture, so it’s important to take a look at yourself if you’re finding yourself people pleasing to avoid conflict at all costs.
We learn that being helpful gets us noticed. Going the extra mile makes us valuable.
But in broken systems, that instinct gets exploited. Especially in underfunded, mission-driven workplaces where “doing more with less” is treated like a badge of honor.
The Spicy Shift: “That Sounds Like a You Problem”
A few years ago, a friend of mine gave me a phrase that changed everything:
“That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.”
Now no, I’m not saying you should say that to your boss or Carl in accounting.
But try saying it to yourself. Out loud. With meaning. No filter.
Then write the message you will send:
“I’m offline tonight—hope you get it all sorted out.”
That's a boundary. And it's leadership.
What to Do Instead of Saying Yes to Everything
If you’re stuck in a “promotion with no raise” loop, here are 5 things to try instead of people pleasing your way to burnout:
1. Clarify your role in writing.
Ask your manager to confirm your current responsibilities. If new tasks creep in, point back to that document.
2. Track your wins.
Keep a running list of metrics, emails, and accomplishments. Use it at review time—or when you’re updating your resume.
3. Negotiate for something.
Can’t get a raise? Ask for a title bump, reduced workload, or flexible hours. “There’s nothing we can do” is rarely true.
4. Say no with confidence.
You don’t need a long explanation. “I’m not available tonight.” Done.
5. Make it work for you.
If you do take on extra responsibilities, document the outcomes and update your LinkedIn. If they won’t promote you, use the work to get a better job elsewhere.
You Deserve More Than Flattery
You deserve boundaries. Compensation. Clarity.
Being liked won’t protect you from burnout. Saying yes to everything won’t get you the job you want.
You can lead with empathy—without giving away your time and energy for free.
And if someone doesn’t like that?
Sounds like a them problem.
Want More on Boundaries and Burnout?
Books I love:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban
Must-read website:
Tema Okun on White Supremacy Culture – A powerful breakdown of the subtle ways our workplaces reward overwork and conflict avoidance, which is rooted in white supremacy culture.
Listen to the Full Episode
Click here to listen to Episode 15 of Hard at Work or find it on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite player.
Got a Work Question?
Submit an anonymous question to Ellen at ewbcoaching.com/ama-about-work
or DM @ewbcoaching on Instagram.
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