Step Two in Making Change: Identifying Your “One Big Thing”
In my last post, I talked about how identifying when your body is in the stress cycle, and concentrating on completing that stress cycle, can help your brain manage its initial resistance to change.
What’s next?
I particularly like the Immunity to Change model, which was developed by Harvard researchers Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey. The premise of the Immunity to Change model is that if you really want to change something, you have to break through your subconscious mind, which is actively preventing you from changing because it’s hard and scary, and we’re much more comfortable NOT changing. You are also prey to hidden assumptions, which are beliefs that you believe to be true (even if they’re not) that are keeping you stuck in this loop.
The second step in making lasting change is to very clearly identify your “One Big Thing” as Kegan and Lahey call it - a goal that you are very passionate about.
This is harder than you think, and deserves a good amount of time to get right. Your One Big Thing should:
Clearly involve your growth as a person
Is a big deal for you to achieve
Is something you want to accomplish
Is something you feel urgency to accomplish
Is something that might be important to people around you
Is about you and the change(s) you want to make, not about trying to get other people to change
Should be affirmative, about what you want to become rather than what you want to stop being.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say that you stay mostly silent in meetings, and you’re getting feedback that people wish you’d share your thoughts. You tend to email them after meetings to avoid direct conflict or discussion. Something like “I want to stop being silent in meetings” is a good step on the way to your true One Big Thing, but we can dissect that a bit and turn it into an affirmative statement: “I want to speak up more in meetings.” This is clear, affirmative, about you, important to you, something you feel urgency about…it’s a great One Big Thing.
The final step in identifying your One Big Thing is to test it with people that you trust. Tell them what you think your One Big Thing is, and see if they agree. Ask them what they think it should be. It’s very brave to ask for this feedback, and requires a good bit of vulnerability, so make sure to choose people that you trust. Family members and good friends are great options, as well as people you can trust in your workplace.
Working hard to get your One Big Thing as clear as possible will absolutely make it easier to make a change.
