I think…maybe…just…stop
Imagine that you have to write an email to nudge someone on a deadline. How many of you would start it with “I’m just checking in…”? Yeah, me too. I use words like “just” to soften my speech at work so I don’t come off as mean or demanding.
There are tons of articles written about how women should stop using the word “just” because it makes us look weak, like we’re subordinating ourselves. And I have to be honest with you, I started this post thinking I was going to tell you the same: remove “just” from your vocabulary because you don’t need to subordinate yourself to anyone.
I’ve spent the last 10 years desperately deleting all the “justs” from emails, taking many more minutes to craft an email that reads more aggressively than I’m comfortable with because I “shouldn’t” use those softer words as a woman in the workplace trying to be taken seriously.
As I was writing, I started wondering – is this an example of patriarchal workplace norms in action? Or feminism? Or some Lean In bullshit? Or my need for people to like me gone awry?
The answer is: I’m not sure. On one hand, we still have mostly patriarchal workplaces. Anyone who’s not a straight white man has to work harder to make themselves fit into a workplace not made for them, with people of color, women of color especially, expected to work extra hard. So should we adopt the actions of the people that hold the power in this workplace? Act more like a man, be more aggressive, be more assertive?
That’s the advice I’ve been given, and honestly have given to others myself. The advice that in order to get anywhere in the workplace, we have to play the game. A game that is scored by the number of whiskey drinks you can put down on a business trip with the “boys,” or by how many times you can get through a tough meeting without crying.
When thinking through this, what I’ve decided after 20+ years of trying to fit into workplaces that didn’t know what to do with me, that maybe, just maybe (and yes I used that ‘just’ purposefully) I’m ok how I am.
I’m not sure if I’m softening my speech because I think the patriarchy wants it, or if I’m doing it because that’s me. It’s probably a little of both.
What it does make me think is that the more we are able to allow people to show up as they want in the workplace, and make it safer for people who are harmed by showing up authentically to actually show up authentically, then we’ll find the place where our speech evens out. Where we soften our language if we genuinely want to; where we have whiskey drinks at a work dinner because we like them, not because we’re trying to fit in.
So my advice isn’t actually to remove the “just”s, “I think”s, and “maybe”s. It’s to do what you need to use to survive the workplace. If you’re somewhere that’s a healthy place to make change and show up authentically, then you can experiment. And if you’re not, keep your head down and do what needs to be done, using whatever language makes you feel safe.
And if you are in a position of power, particularly if you are white, it’s very much your responsibility to use that power to start to change the system to create healthier workplaces where no one has to worry about editing themselves to fit in. It’s on you. How are you going to make change?
