Episode 15: That Sounds Like A You Problem
Performative Promotions, People Pleasing, and the Boundaries You Need
Why You’re Doing Extra Work—and How to Stop
Summary
If you’ve ever been told “we can’t promote you yet—but here’s some extra work,” this one’s for you. In this solo episode, I dig into the toxic dance of performative promotions, how people-pleasing derails your boundaries, and why over-delivering won’t earn you the respect (or raise) you deserve. You’ll hear real talk on transactional workplaces, sneaky flattery, and how to say “no” without setting your whole life on fire. Plus, a surprisingly effective (and spicy) trick for shifting out of people-pleaser mode. If you’ve ever felt like doing more only gets you… more work? You’re not imagining it. Let’s stop self-sabotaging and start reclaiming our time, energy, and self-worth.
Takeaways
If you’re doing the job without the title or the pay, it’s not a promotion—it’s exploitation. Leadership isn’t a vibe; it’s a role with compensation.
People-pleasing is a boundary killer. The fear of not being liked can push you into doing more than you should, for less than you deserve.
Work is a contract, not a favor. No matter how nice your boss is, you don’t owe them free labor “for the team” unless you’re being compensated or recognized.
Saying no doesn’t make you a bad employee—it makes you a sustainable one. Use language like “That sounds like a you problem” (even if only in your head) to help reset your default people-pleasing instincts.
There’s always something your workplace can do to show appreciation. If a raise isn’t possible, ask for perks, reduced workload, or public recognition—and get it in writing.
Notable Quotes
“They want the benefits of your leadership without the title or the pay. That’s not development—it’s flattery-fueled exploitation.”
“You’re not on the promotion list. You’re on the ‘will do extra work for free’ list.”
“That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem. Say it out loud. Make it spicy. Then respond with grace.”
“People-pleasing isn’t kindness—it’s fear of being disliked. And it’s costing you.”
“You don’t have to bleed yourself dry to prove you’re leadership material.”
Chapters
00:00 – Intro: Self-sabotage and people-pleasing at work
01:30 – AMA: “My boss says I’m next in line, but there’s no raise”
03:00 – Performative promotions and flattery traps
05:30 – Three options for boundary-setting in this situation
08:00 – Budget crisis? What your workplace can still offer
09:30 – People-pleasing and the fear of being disliked
11:30 – White supremacy culture and people-pleasing behaviors
14:00 – The “that sounds like a you problem” mindset shift
16:00 – A script to stop over-functioning for under-functioners
18:00 – Boundary books and how to get better at saying no
20:00 – Wrap-up: A reminder to protect your energy at work
Keywords: Burnout, people pleasing at work, workplace boundaries, promotion without raise, toxic work culture, women at work, emotional labor, leadership development, setting boundaries at work, how to say no at work, performance vs. pay, people pleaser recovery, workplace manipulation, nonprofit work culture, coaching for professionals.
Transcript
Ellen Whitlock Baker (00:01.486)
Okay, this is episode 15 solo.
Hello, my friends, and welcome to a new episode of Hard at Work. I'm Ellen Whitlock Baker, your host.
Today we've got a solo episode and we're going to continue on our exploration of how we can self-sabotage at work and how we can start interrupting that cycle. And we're going to talk a little bit about people pleasing, especially around how being a people pleaser can make it really hard for you to keep your boundaries. But first, an AMA about work. If you want to send in and ask me anything about work, please do just go to ewbcoaching.com slash AMA hyphen about hyphen work.
Or just send me a DM. Keep them coming. These are so good and definitely opening up some conversations about topics that can be really hard to bring up yourself in your workplace. So today's question is:
“My boss tells me I'm up next for a promotion and wants to give me additional work now, but says they can't give me the title bump or the pay increase right away. I've asked for a timeline on when they will be able to make it official and they can't give me one. I don't like doing extra work without being paid for it, but I feel like if I don't go the extra mile, I'm off the list for promotion. What do I do?”
This is a great question and a common issue with a lot of us and definitely with my clients. I like to call it performative promotion energy. Like they want all the benefits of your leadership without making it official or compensating you for it.
And this is so complicated for us, especially for those of us who are wired to please and not cause any conflict. Especially, especially those of us that work in a nonprofit or the public sector where the vibe definitely leans toward everybody's got to do their part with what we have, as in you're going to have to do more work than we can pay you for, but that's how it goes because that's what it takes when you're working for a mission-based organization. So let's be clear.
You, in this scenario, are being asked to do more than your role with none of the credit and none of the power. And that really isn't leadership development. It's exploitation with a side of flattery. And remember that work is a transaction. I hope you have a lovely workplace where you enjoy the people and are compensated accordingly and have great benefits and free food and a ping-pong table, but
Ellen Whitlock Baker (02:50.112)
Ultimately, it is a contract between your employer and you. You do the work to the specifications they outline, they pay you. The end. And if your employer is asking you to do more of the work without compensating you for it, they're breaking that contract and that's not the agreement. And this can be a really confusing situation, especially because there are people in workplaces who are really, really good at making you feel good about yourself so that you take on more than you should.
And honestly, I don't even know if they know they're doing it a lot of the time. It's been a practice in workplaces for a long time, and it's definitely part of the learned behavior of many of our current leaders, but it can be really manipulative. You've been asking for more responsibility and they give it to you, but without the pay or title bump. You don't feel like you can say no, like our question asker said, if I don't keep going the extra mile, I'll be off the list.
And flattery sometimes gets you everywhere.
Ellen Whitlock Baker (03:55.318)
A lot of us have been raised in systems where you get noticed by doing more, taking it on, being the go-to. And like we've talked about, some of us don't realize there's another option. But here's the hard truth. If you're already asking for the promotion and they have said no, and they're still expecting you to do this role, you are not on the promotion list. You're on the: “This person will do extra work for free” list.
So here's what I'd consider doing in this situation, three options. And the first, re-clarify your role in writing. So ask your boss, can we align on what my current responsibilities are? This gives you a baseline. If they're stacking on extra duties, you can point back and say, I'm really happy to support our team, but this seems outside of what we agreed on. Can we talk about how to prioritize or do you want to revisit compensation?
Second option. You can choose your boundaries on purpose. Doesn't mean you stop being great at your job, but it does mean that you stop doing invisible labor in the hopes of being seen. So start asking, if I say yes to this, what am I saying no to in terms of time, energy, visibility? There are a lot of ways to show your ROI, so keep that data handy, whether it's numerical data or all of the emails from people who tell you you're good at your job.
Keep your brag file going, keep tracking and reporting your wins. You can have boundaries here and still show that you're doing a great job. And remember that contract, you work, they pay.
The last option is you can use this opportunity to build your resume and your reputation strategically. So if you do decide to take on leadership tasks, keep on without getting paid or a title bump, keep track of what you're doing and what the outcomes were. So you can update your resume and prep for future interviews, update your LinkedIn with all the cool things you've done. Start looking around for something else. If you feel like you can't get out of the extra work, use it in your favor to grow in the ways that you want to grow to be ready for a new job elsewhere.
And I don't love that option because I really do want you to get compensated for what you're doing at work. But if you're in a position where there's just no other option, make it work for you.
And for those of you who are in organizations or companies who are in a budget crisis or spending freeze or have been told there isn't money for raises right now, I feel you. I've been there, and right now that's really real for a lot of workplaces. So you can't make money come out of thin air. But let's be really clear. Just because they can't pay you right now doesn't mean that they get your labor for free with no boundaries and no plan.
So here's what I'd suggest if you're working somewhere with a salary or a spending freeze and you get asked to do more work outside of your job description. Again, first option, have a documented conversation. Ask your boss: If compensation isn't possible right now, what non-monetary recognition or support might be?
You know, maybe you don't get the raise, but you do get the title change. Maybe it's public recognition if that's something that's important to you. Professional development funding, a reduced workload in another area. Write down what they talk to you about and send it back to them in an email so it's in writing. And if they say there's nothing, nothing they can do at the moment, I think that's a red flag.
There's always something they can do, whether it's letting you have the Friday work from home day you've been asking for, or they can reduce your workload somewhere else. There's always something, even if it's little, that shows that they want to invest in you. And if you're not seeing that, that's not a great sign.
Ellen Whitlock Baker (08:00.696)
And then the second option here in this budget-constrained situation, know your limits. You're allowed to do a great job within the scope of your role. You don't have to bleed yourself dry to prove that you're leadership material. We have talked about it a lot on here, but I'm going to tell you again, you are going to have to take care of yourself at work, because it's likely no one else is going to do that. And good leaders don't take on too much and burn out.
And finally, if your boss is consistently delaying a promised raise or title bump, there's a high likelihood it's not gonna happen. And that's not a reflection of your value. It's a reflection of the system that wants to take more than it gives. It's definitely a red flag, so treat it accordingly. And so if anyone is asking you to do more but not compensating you for it in some way, then that's really something to look at, whether it's something you need to look at in yourself, something you need to look at in the workplace, whatever it is.
We've talked a lot about it, but I hope that you can take all of this and that you feel better. So thank you so much for that question. Definitely send me some more. It is always great to get these and I'm always looking forward to the next one. And I certainly don't have all the answers, but I'm having fun thinking about what some might be.
Okay, so now on to today's topic. We are gonna be talking about what to do if it's hard for you to set and keep boundaries, particularly if you're a people pleaser. So we've been talking a lot in these past episodes about why to set boundaries at work and how to set boundaries at work. And I've even given you scripts on what to exactly say when you're setting these boundaries.
Ellen Whitlock Baker (09:45.902)
And I want to recognize that for some of us, me included, actually implementing these boundaries can be really scary and hard and stressful. And I want to give a quick note on the term people pleaser, which I'm using in this podcast. That is not a technical term. It's not a medical diagnosis in any way. People use that term a lot in a lot of different nuanced ways.
And here, I'm using it to describe a person who tends to prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own. And people-pleasing can become about the person who is engaging in the behavior. It can be a reaction to an environment that's feeling unsafe, like you have to please people or you'll be punished. It can similarly be a trauma response from something or some things that have happened in your life.
And it can actually also be a sign that you're reverting to one or more characteristics of white supremacy culture, like fear of conflict or comfort. So it's easier for you when everyone gets along. So you want everyone to be happy and you don't wanna face any discomfort even though it might be what you need to face in order to get the truth from people. That's kind of an example of how those...
are used to perpetuate white supremacy culture. So if you aren't familiar with Tema Okun's website, White Supremacy Culture, it's a must read. I'll put a link in the show notes. Tema Okun, with support from colleagues and friends, describes and gives deep and thoughtful explanation to the attitudes and behaviors that show up for us that are damaging because they promote white supremacy thinking. It's very complex and I am not an expert, but I'm really enjoying learning about it so that I can check myself when I notice this come up in my behavior. So I definitely encourage you to go to Okun's website and learn more about this yourself.
Ellen Whitlock Baker (11:50.552)
So people pleasing is complicated and some of us are more likely to do it than others for the many reasons I just mentioned. My coach actually was the first one who made me stop and think about this years ago when I was telling her about someone who I was having trouble with at work and worrying that this one person didn't like me because they weren't being very nice to me. And she said, and I still remember these exact words: “Ellen, you really think that of all the billions of people in the world, every single one of them is going to like you?” And I thought about it, and I realized that the answer was, yeah, yeah, I do. Or I want them to, which is really ridiculous and embarrassing when you say it out loud. Obviously, that's not possible. But it was something I actually kind of thought. And I tell you all this in case any of you are similar.
And I've heard from quite a few of you that you are, or if you know someone who is that needs acceptance and liking more than they need to be honest and clear and set boundaries. And if you're listening to this and you're thinking, my God, just don't care so much, I would pay good money to not care so much. You know how GLP-1s like Ozempic reduce food noise, which is the sound the cookies make when they're calling to you to eat them even when you're not at all hungry? If you know, you know.
I wish there was a drug that reduced caring about things you shouldn't care about. I mean, that would be neat. All of this to say the fear of being unliked can make it hard to uphold necessary boundaries. So let's talk about it.
One of my friends who is much less of a people pleaser than I am taught me this incredible phrase, which really isn't that like groundbreaking when you hear it, but it goes: “that sounds like that's a you problem, not a me problem”, which are words that have never come out of my mouth. So today I will introduce you to the “that sounds like a you problem” approach that my friend adopts and I'm really trying to learn how to do as well.
It's not hard, it's simple, but not easy, remember? But it goes like this. If someone wants something that will inconvenience you or even make work harder for you, instead of jumping to and doing whatever it is to make them happy, you can just think, well, that sounds like a you problem. It's genius. And it's funny, yes. And it seems like this should be an obvious reaction and you've heard this phrase before, obviously, but.
Also, no joke, this would never have been something I ever considered saying until I started doing a lot of work on myself to understand that I didn't need everyone to like me to be happy. So like, we're out here as people pleasers thinking this way. So for some of you, this might also feel kind of revolutionary.
And I am not saying that you should actually say, “that sounds like a you problem, sorry bro,” out loud to someone at work. It's not a particularly nice way to hold your boundaries, but stay with me. Let's try an example. Let's say your coworker has dragged their feet on contributing their portion of a report that's due on Friday, and you've reminded them more than once to send in their portion.
They message you at 4:45 on Thursday night saying they're just getting to it and can you look it over when they're done at like 8 p.m. to make sure it fits in with the whole report. The people pleasers response is, sure, I'm glad you were finally able to get to it. Just text me when you're ready for me to look at it. And you say that even though you really don't want to read the damn report on your off time and your coworker had multiple opportunities to give it to you with an acceptable amount of lead time.
Ellen Whitlock Baker (16:15.106)
So people pleasers, let's give this another go. So you get this request. Here's what you can try. Try saying out loud to yourself in a spicy as a tone as you want: “That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem. I gave you multiple opportunities to give it to me earlier and not force it to the last minute, but you've ignored them all. So no, I'm not gonna give up my evening because you procrastinated.” It feels good, right? Like saying out loud to yourself feels good.
You can do that. It's not hard. You can really let the feelings fly. Now, when you get to what you say to them in real life after you've let all the spicy out is: “I'm not able to be online tonight. Hope you get it all sorted out.”
So this is still going to be hard for some of us. Even that is still going to feel wrong or like you're doing something wrong, especially if the person has authority over you but you absolutely have the right to tell them no when it's outside of your stated boundaries. And if it's hard for you, give saying it out loud to yourself in a super direct way a try. It's like shaking out the jitters before you go on stage or a mini experiment before you try the hard thing. And when you think about the stress response, this all makes a lot of sense. Your brain clicks over to survival mode when it senses a threat and Chad not getting his shit to you on time is a threat because it makes you have to make a decision that could cause conflict and it cuts into your quiet time. So if your brain isn't thinking rationally and it's avoiding the threat to keep you safe, and if you think that pandering to Chad will keep you safe, then your instinct is to pander. So next time something happens that inconveniences you or makes you feel like you need to do something you don't wanna do, before you automatically reach for people pleasing to solve the problem, stop and do all the things we've talked about on this podcast to hold off the stress response. Breathe if it works for you, shake it off, leave the room, get up and dance, go for a walk, watch funny videos. Then give the that's a you problem exercise aloud. Say it out loud, make it spicy, extra spicy. It's really fun, honestly.
Then when you're ready, send that less spicy but equally sincere message asserting your boundary. Now there are two books I really like about boundaries for some extra reading if you want it. First, Nedra Glover-Tawab is the goddess of boundaries. She's written multiple books, but the one I really like for this particular topic is Set Boundaries, Find Peace, which also has a workbook to accompany it and really helps you get better at practicing setting your boundaries.
Also follow her on Instagram. I have learned so much from her. And second, I like the Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban. I get the sense that she's a little more likely to be like, “that's a you problem” person in real life than I am. But she gives really good scripts, especially around family dynamics. And follow her on Insta too. I'll link those both in the show notes for you. And I hope they help you like they've helped me.
And if you aren't liking this and it's not helping you, sounds like that's a you problem.
So thank you so much for listening and in all seriousness keep reaching out to tell me what you think of the episode. I love to hear if Hard at Work is helpful and insightful for you and if you have an idea of someone who would be a great guest on the podcast please send it to me in a DM or email me at ellen@ewbcoaching.com. And like always I will ask you nicely that if you are enjoying the podcast please take a quick second to rate it, subscribe, write a comment, or send it to friends using the podcast platform of your choice. It really helps more people hear it. Thanks again, good luck with that spiciness, and I will see you next time.
